Why I Decided Not to Have Kids
In this episode:
This week Christina dives into the reasons why she DECIDED not to have kids. Not because she is “selfish” but because she is really truly living life in the way that is right for her. This episode is all about blocking out the “shoulds” and choosing a life that is perfect for you, whatever those decisions may be!
Christina Lecuyer’s Bio:
Christina Lecuyer is a former Professional Golfer, a three-time reality television competitor, Confidence + Mindset Coach, Motivational Speaker, and Founder of Women with C.L.A.S.S. Mastermind, as well as Decide It’s Your Turn: Women’s Weekend. Christina’s mission in life is to empower people to fully live in their purpose, confidently and successfully!
Resources and Links:
Christina Lecuyer’s Website: https://christinalecuyer.com/
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Full Episode Transcript:
Christina: Hey, y’all welcome back to the Decide It’s Your Turn podcast. Today it’s just me. Solo episode! Talking about something I get asked very often about and that is the fact that I don’t have children.
Initially I think so many people don’t want to ask me the reason why I don’t have children – is because they’re afraid that it’s the fact that I may not have been able to have kids, but that is 100% not the truth.
I have chosen not to have children. My husband and I have chosen not to have children. So we’ve been together roughly 18 years now. I’m almost 39, which is crazy to say. Nathan is almost 47, which is crazy to say as well.
We’re both getting older. So at this point in time, if we really wanted to have kids, it probably is getting a little late. Obviously I know so many people have them at different time periods, but that’s not the point of this episode.
The point of this episode is talking about all of the reasons why I have actually chosen – chosen, keyword here – to not have children.
Obviously this is my point of view. Nathan has a different point of view, but we’re very much on the same page.
So I’m kind of speaking for I which is we. I’m just kind of throwing that out there in the beginning because I’m sure a lot of people would say, “Well, what does your husband think?”
But I think I’m going to talk about that a little bit too.
Okay. So I have never, ever not one day in my whole life wanted to have my own children. That being said, I freaking love kids. I have girlfriends whose kids I love. I love holding babies. It actually has nothing to do with being pregnant.
I know so many people. Um, especially back knowing my history with, you know, body image issues and all the things. It actually has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t want to be physically pregnant.
I actually think that I could handle that quite well. Who knows perhaps not, but my assumption would be that it would probably be okay with me.
I’m glad I’m not going to ever have to be pregnant, knock on wood. But at this point in time, that was never one of the real reasons behind it. However, I know so many people who have that fear and anxiety of having to actually be pregnant, you know, there’s a lot of things that kind of come up for women.
Not only the process of being pregnant, but breastfeeding and everything that goes into it afterwards. And so, I don’t feel like I have to say it, but I’m going to say it again. This is all my opinion. Everyone feels so, so different, but I do think it’s important for me to talk about this because so many people have anxiety and so many people have this underlying feeling that they are doing something wrong by not having kids.
And I have felt that in my life because the pressure of a female who is married, who is of my age, not having children is massive. And that is the reason why I wanted to talk about this today and just kind of put out my side of the story and my feelings towards having children.
I just think it’s a different point of view that not very many people have. So if there is someone out there who has these same feelings, I always want to talk about my story and my life because I think it can really impact other people.
So again, take this for a grain of salt if this is not you, but if this is something that you have thought about or if you know someone who doesn’t have children, who’s kind of been on the fence about it, or has a strong opinion about it like I do, I’d love for you to share this episode with them because the reason why I do this every single week is for people to decide it’s their turn in life. And for me, this is a decision not to have children. And so let’s kind of talk about all of the things, because I want to voice this.
I want to talk about this. I want other people, other women, especially who have felt the same feelings. I want you to number one, to not feel alone. Number two, I want you to feel so validated in your decisions. And number three, I want you to know that it is your decision. This is your decision.
I think for myself in particular, one of the things that I have been so good at my whole entire life is trusting my gut. I remember having this conversation. I used to work at a golf course. I started working at a private country club when I was like 14 years old and there was a guy who worked in the golf shop.
He was older than me, probably by 16, 18 years, whatever it was. And I remember telling him at 14, 15 years old that I never wanted kids.
And he’s like, yeah right. You’re young. You’re going to change your mind.
You guys, I have been told that my whole entire life, I still have people think that I’m going to change my mind at almost 39 years old.
It’s a thing because people cannot get it through their brain that someone else might have a different decision for them and that be okay. Just because I am a one percenter who doesn’t want to have children doesn’t mean that my decision is wrong and it doesn’t mean. We’re going to talk about this one, but it doesn’t mean that I’m selfish.
I have literally had people look me in the face and tell me I am a selfish human being. I don’t want to drop an F bomb and I would never do it to someone’s face but once I left that situation, I was like, “Fuck you. Who are you to tell me what I should be doing with my life?”
And let’s be honest. I knew a little bit of detail about this person’s life and I’m kinda like, “Ah, let’s be real. I am much fucking happier than you.”
So that’s a whole ‘nother story.
But again, coming back to when I was working at this country club and this guy said to me, cause he didn’t have children. I was like, ‘Yeah, dude, I’m totally like you. I’ve never wanted to have kids. It’s not something that I want to do.”
He’s like, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re a girl. You’re gonna change your mind. You’re young, you’re going to get married, you’re going to fall in love. You’re going to change your mind.”
And I had been told that like my whole entire life, you will change your mind once you get older. Again, now almost 39 years old. Haven’t changed my mind, but I do think, and if I did, that would not have been wrong. Shit! I could change my mind at 40. I could wake up at 40 years old and be like, “Oh, dang, I want a kid. And I would figure out how to do it.”
But in my opinion, I don’t believe that’s going to change because going back to what I said earlier, there has not been one day of my life that I have said, “Oh my gosh, I want to have kids.”
Again, I like kids and I have nothing against children. Obviously, I love the age like 14 and above and I do love babies, like babies I could hold babies, all the things.
That middle like 3 to 10, you can keep them. No kidding, but no, but that’s actually the truth. I actually do believe that. So why would I say I’m kidding? No, I truly do believe that.
But all that to be said, age is not the reason why I’ve not wanted to have children. I’ve just never really wanted it. And I think that for myself, it would have been betraying myself to have done something just because society tells me I have to do it.
And that’s the same thing as I never really wanted to get married. Getting married was never really my thing. When Nathan and I first met 18 years ago, I remember he did not want to get married. And I did not want to have children. Nathan had been in two long-term relationships, never married, never had children, but he had been in long-term relationships with women who did have kids.
So he grew up or he was in a house, they were living together where he had a girlfriend who had children. So he kind of experienced the kid thing for sure.
And I do believe, and Nathan would tell you this, when we got together, I do believe that Nathan thought he wanted children. But when we started dating, I was like, “Hey. I don’t think this is for me.”
And it was never a deal breaker for him. It was never something that was like, “Okay, this is a hard no or a hard yes.”
And for me, I think even in the beginning I was open to the possibility because I loved him so much and I kind of thought, “Okay, let’s just see where this goes. Be open to the possibility of not knowing for 100% sure this is still a thing.”
But every year that we’ve been together again, going on about 18 years now, every year. I would say the first three or four years, we didn’t even discuss it because it was like a non thing. I was doing my thing, he was doing his thing.
And I think that is one of the reasons why I’ve never wanted to have children. And some of you who may be listening to this might think, “Oh gosh, you’re so selfish for putting yourself first” and yet so much of what I teach and how I coach is you have to put yourself first in order to show up to be the best version of yourself.
But for me, I was so concentrated in the beginning on the golf and then this business and making myself better and our marriage and really enjoying my life and loving what we get to do on a daily basis that the selfish part would have been to have children from where I was in my life and where I still am in my life.
Obviously I would have to totally revamp my life in order to have children right now. Nathan and I have a saying that we don’t have anything that we have to keep alive. No pets, no plants, no kids like that is our life right now. And yeah, I’m smiling from ear to ear because that’s what I’ve created and that’s what I wanted.
But going back to that, it would have been a betrayal to myself, had I done something because that was what was expected. Even when we first got together and Nathan was like, “Hard no” on the marriage. You can ask him. There was not one day in our whole entire life that I had asked him to get married.
I didn’t want him to go against what he wanted and what he believed. Now, obviously we are married. We’ll be married 10 years this year. So we dated for a very long time. We dated seven years before we even got engaged. But up until that period of time, when our decision did change, when something happened in our life, and that’s a whole ‘nother podcast!
But something happened and it was a flip of the switch in our heads in the fact that we wanted to be the people in each other’s life who made the decisions and really had the role of caretaker in our lives. We didn’t want it to be our parents any longer. If something awful were to happen to me and I was in the hospital or whatever it is, I would want Nathan to be the one who’s making those decisions and being by my side and being that person.
And really that is, honest to God, the reason why we got married. I do believe marriage is the best thing ever. I’m so thankful that I got married. Perhaps I would have thought the exact same thing about children, but at this point in time for me and for us, it’s just a hard no.
But going back to the beginning, going back to knowing that I know that I know I did not want to have children. I’ve heard other women and almost every woman say, “I’ve just had this inkling. I just wanted it.” I’ve never felt that not one day in my life. So why would I do something that I have never felt is in alignment with me just because the world tells me that that’s what I “should be doing.”
How many people should on themselves all day long. I should’d on myself for my golf career. I should’d on myself for what I thought I had to look like. I should’d on myself for what I thought I had to be making and who I was surrounding myself with and all the things.
I should’d on myself far too much in life to know that doing something because you should do it is a really fucking shitty reason to actually do something. So for me, it was never going to be an option that I was going to have kids because that’s what I should be doing.
I’ve always trusted my gut. That is the reason, one of the main reasons why I’m so successful and I’m so happy is because I don’t do shit I don’t want to do. If it’s out of alignment for me and it doesn’t feel good and it doesn’t excite me and make me happy and motivated. And yes, a lot of things are hard along the way, but overall, do I feel so light, so good, and so in alignment? Yeah, that’s what I follow.
And for me, having kids would have been very much outside of that alignment. I have to trust my gut and I have to not listen to what everyone else says you should be doing instead of what you know you should be doing.
Something else I want to hit on here, and I’ve talked to a client about this years ago when she had just gotten into a relationship with a guy who was much older, who had children and everyone was telling her, “Oh, I don’t know if this is a good decision, because didn’t you want kids? I think you want kids. Who doesn’t want to have kids?”
And I told her from my point of view, number one, I believe that this is so very important. You can leave your mark on this world without leaving your DNA. I a hundred percent believe my life is just as important and I’m going to leave just as big of a legacy as someone who’s leaving five children. I truly believe that in my soul. I don’t believe that you’ve only made a mark on this world if you leave your DNA and if you leave someone to take what you’ve earned or, or grown or a legacy or whatever the hell it is. I believe I have just as much of a purpose if I don’t leave my DNA here, when I’m dead.
And I think that that was one thing that I told her. I said, “You can hundred percent leave a mark in this world and be important and all of the things without having children.” And number two, there’s no guarantee that our relationship is going to work or not work with children. You know, so many people are like, “Well, what if it doesn’t work? What if it doesn’t work? And you don’t have kids and you get to 45 years old. And now you have no kids and the relationship didn’t work?”
Well, guess what guys, you can marry the exact same age and you can have kids and not have kids and we live in a world where it’s what, 50% of marriages work.
So thinking about getting in or getting out of a relationship and not having kids or having kids because of what could happen, again, that’s almost like a should-ing, right?
Do whatever you feel most in alignment with and chances are, that is by far the best decision. Something that I said earlier about not having kids was the fact that I really, really like my freedom.
And I promise you, that’s probably one of the number one reasons why people think I have done something “wrong” by not having children is because I have chosen freedom over having children. Why is that anyone else’s decision of what I actually want to choose in life? I don’t tell you how to spend your money.
I don’t tell you how to spend your time. I don’t tell you how to do any of those things. So why are you telling me that me choosing the life that I have that lights me up that allows me to leave a bigger mark on this planet by helping my clients and being so invested. If I had kids, there’s no way in hell I could help as many people as I do.
There’s no way in hell I could work as much as I do. Perhaps I would…I’d have to hire someone out and that’s a whole ‘nother discussion. And one of my really, really good girlfriends, she’s very successful in business and she just hired a night nanny and a day nanny and all the things.
And like holy fuck. Moms are so judgy. I mean, this woman, you would have thought she was beating her kid. She’s like, “How dare you hire a night nurse! Oh my God!” And I’m just like, uh that kid is so loved and so taken care of. There’s people that literally leave their kids alone for like 20 hours and yet you’re pissed that she has a night nanny, like again, stay in your own business folks, and let people make their own decisions.
But, yeah, for me, the freedom part is just such a big deal. I am a massive freedom of choice, freedom of decision, freedom, freedom, freedom person.
And I know I like the fact that I have the ability to do what the hell ever I want, whenever the hell I want to do it. I have the flexibility to work 50 hours a week, 90 hours a week, or 2 hours a week if I want.
And I know that I wouldn’t be able to do that if I had children, it’s just, you can say that you can or you can’t and yeah, you can always move things around, but overall, I would not have the flexibility in my life to go and do and serve and have fun and travel and piss off on like literally the spur of the moment.
You know, again, we don’t have pets, plants, or kids so we don’t even have to find a dog sitter. We can do whatever the hell we want, whenever the hell we want.
I just think that that’s really, really important to say is that, yeah, I choose freedom and that doesn’t make me bad. It doesn’t make me any lesser of a person than the person who chose to have five kids and has no freedom.
I’m not saying I’m better. By any means I’m not saying that! My God being a parent looks like one of the hardest things ever. But I also do believe this is kind of something I wasn’t planning on saying, but I do believe it’s true is as a coach and helping people live a life of purpose and abundance and profit and all the things that I do, I do believe one of the, I don’t even know how to say it.
But one of the ways I believe I have a leg up on coaches who do have children is I have the external perspective of not having children and how I think that helps as a coach is the fact that I am able to see it from a bird’s-eye view. Parents are so hard on themselves. They literally will wear themselves out to a nub in order to serve their children.
And I actually look at that as a negative to be honest with you. Because I believe, how can you be the best for them if you are literally at your wits end, barely surviving? You can’t give from an empty cup. We’ve all heard that a thousand times.
And so I think for me, one of the ways that I thrive in that as a coach is the fact that I am able to give the external perspective of not having children and seeing that you’re doing a DAMNNN good job. You need to give yourself a little grace here and it’s totally okay to not be with your kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and spend every single dime, every single waking hour on them. It’s okay to take care of yourself.
And I think since I don’t have kids, I’m able to give that external perspective of like, holy shit, let’s be real. If you give them 90, you can keep yourself for 10. So I do think that that really helps.
So parents definitely be kinder to yourselves. I see how hard you’re working and you’re doing a damn good job.
Okay. So this is super interesting. When I tell people I don’t have children, there’s two main things that come up from others when I say I don’t have children and they’re in shock. And the two main things are this. People always say to me, “Well, aren’t you a little bit nervous of who’s going to take care of you when you die?”
I swear to God that’s number one. And then the second thing that people always say to me is “Aren’t you curious how your kids would look? You and Nathan are pretty good-looking people. Aren’t you curious if you created a kid, what it would look like?”
I promise you, those are the number two reasons why people tell me that I’m missing out by not having kids. And I’m sure that there’s more out there, but I swear to you, if the number one reason why I should have a child is who’s going to take care of me when I’m old, that’s not a good enough reason for me. And the second one, yeah, it would be cool to see what Nathan and I could create together. Thank you for saying that we’re good looking humans.
But let’s be honest, to see what we could create together again, in my opinion is not a good enough reason to have children. Yeah, it would be great to know those two things, but number one, I don’t really care that much. I get to look at Nathan every single day and I know how cute he is and it’s totally good with me. I know his heart.
And number two, I’m going to be able to afford to take care of myself when I’m old. That to me, you know, that’s just not a good enough reason.
And I think too, one of the things that kind of comes up is, it’s great to have little kids, but I always look at the big picture in life and it’s not about just having a kid. It’s about raising a human. I just don’t want that responsibility. And gosh, even in the world that we live in right now, I do not envy any of you parents because it is hard as shit.
And I just want to applaud you all because I’ll be honest, there are so many decisions that you have to make and so many more worries in this world. Even when I was a kid, you know, however many 30 years ago, it is just a different place. So I do not envy you at all. And I praise you. And I think that what you’re doing is incredible and good luck because in this world you’re really gonna need it.
But I’ll be honest, to me, I always looked at even a wedding. I think this is a really good example of what I’m trying to explain here. So many people are so concerned about a wedding. I had a beautiful wedding. It was great. I was kind of stressed out for some of the time, which is, I think, super normal, but I was never as concerned about the wedding as I was about the marriage.
And that’s probably one of the reasons why I have a good marriage is because I care a lot more about the marriage than I cared about the wedding. And I think the same thing is true about having a kid like yeah, great, having a kid would be wonderful, but at the same time, I care much more about raising a human to join the world.
And that’s just not a responsibility that I want. And so if you want to say that I’m lazy or selfish or all the things, hey, again, you do you and I will do me.
And I will also remember that I am doing my part as a human. I believe I am. I believe I’m serving at the highest level. I’m obsessed with what I get to do. I’m a very happy human. I am giving the world what I believe is such an amazing gift by helping people step into their purpose and actually truly living a life that they’re passionate about. So I do believe that I am doing a service on the planet and it just doesn’t involve raising children and creating children.
And I think that that is okay. So I know this was kind of all over the place today, but I get so many questions about not having children. And I just think it was really important to talk about why I made these decisions and why that’s okay for me.
And how if you are someone or you know someone who doesn’t want to have kids either and they’re on the fence and they’ve always felt like they’re doing something wrong or they should be doing something because that’s what society says to do, I would love for you to share this podcast with them.
I would love for them to perhaps if they’re having some of the same similar thoughts, I would love for them to feel like they’re not doing anything wrong.
And the biggest gift in the whole entire world is to trust yourself. It is the key to abundance. It is the key to manifestation. It is the key to happiness. It is the key to everything – is to listen to that small still voice. For me, I believe that is, you know, the God whisper. I believe that is everything on the planet. Is the listening to yourself.
It is the key to success, happiness, freedom, all of the things. And if you betray that voice, you’re betraying what we know you were created to do. And I think that is one of the most beautiful things is when someone truly listens to their small, still voice, what is inside them and follows that. And I promise you, in my opinion, that is the key to one of the happiest lives and one of the most purposeful lives.
So I hope you enjoyed today’s episode. If you know someone who is on the fence about having kids, or if you know someone who is like, ‘Heck no, I’m not having kids!” share this episode with them or listen to it for yourself. I hope you can take something out of this.
I hope you can take from the fact that one of the best things that you can ever do in life is to trust yourself and block out the noise and block out the shoulds and just decide it is your turn to live a life that you were absolutely created for.